Social media was designed to bring us closer together, nominally, anyway. But as an LA matchmaker, I’m increasingly seeing it as a silent saboteur of authentic connection. Social media influences how singles perceive potential partners, and undermines how couples manage conflict.

How did it get like this and how can Angelenos reclaim real emotional intimacy from the digital noise of LA?

Understanding the psychology

Social media platforms are designed to reinforce engagement and attention. But the constant stream of curated content, instant gratification, and performative sharing subtly shifts users’ expectations and behaviors in ways that undermine deep and vulnerable connection, by way of several psychological mechanisms:

Social comparison

We’re all at least somewhat predisposed to measuring our lives against others’ but social media greatly heightens this phenomenon, leading to envy, inadequacy, and dissatisfaction with our romantic life, even if in reality it’s perfectly healthy. Moreover, in my experience, social comparison is more intense in LA than almost anywhere else (I can feel the Angelenos nodding away in resignation), amplifying the apparent importance of public perception and perceived success. This produces unrealistic benchmarks for our relationships.

Reward systems

Every like, every comment, every notification triggers a dopamine hit and this intermittent positive reinforcement fosters a powerful, addictive cycle. The brain is rapidly rewired to seek quick, external validations. But when it comes to a relationship, you may find this means you or your partner is more attuned to their phone than to the subtle, slower, often less dramatic rewards of real-life intimacy and vulnerability.

Attachment

Our attachment style has a huge influence over how we navigate intimacy, including in the realm of social media and its role in our love life. Anxiously attached individuals often use social media for constant reassurance or monitoring, which only exacerbates the jealousy to which they’re already inclined. Avoidantly attached individuals might use it to maintain distance, preferring superficial digital connection over real-world quality time. The ambiguity of online interactions in the absence of nonverbal cues of communication may further trigger deep-seated attachment fears, leading to misinterpretations and emotional distress.

‘In a city as connected as LA, it’s all too easy for social media to become a third party in your relationship. That’s why we always advise clients: Lead with authenticity. True connection happens when you’re fully present, not when you’re performing for an audience. Build a private sanctuary for your love, not a public stage with spotlights.’

Cognitive distortion

Social media may worsen irrational thoughts, either by making us catastrophize, when we assume the worst based on nothing but a post; mind-read, when we assume our partner’s feelings according to their online activity; or engage in all-or-nothing thinking, when we view relationships as only either perfect or irreparably flawed in light of nothing but the context of social media. These three common pitfalls can turn otherwise minor online interactions into major relationship crises.

Common mistakes that cloud your judgment

  • Prioritizing the “performance” over the experience: spending more time crafting the perfect post about a date than actually enjoying the date itself, or feeling pressure to show your online audience how happy you are in your relationship
  • Using social media for conflict resolution: attempting to hash out arguments or passive–aggressively communicate feelings through posts, stories, or subtle online jabs, rather than through direct, mature conversation
  • Neglecting real-world vulnerability: substituting genuine face-to-face emotional sharing with carefully curated online discourse, which inherently lacks the intimacy and reciprocity of true connection
  • Ignoring a partner’s discomfort: dismissing your partner’s feelings about your social media habits as them “overreacting,” rather than addressing their legitimate concerns about boundaries and attention (or lack thereof)

How social media can undermine your relationship

“Phubbing” (phone-snubbing)

Ignoring company in favor of one’s phone is a pervasive, pernicious modern malady which drastically diminishes intimacy, leaving one’s partner feeling unheard, devalued, and ultimately secondary to the digital world in which their partner is immersed. This is especially egregious in a city like LA where networking and continual connectivity are considered the norm, and where phubbing can therefore become an ingrained habit, even in a romantic context.

Jealousy and hypervigilance

The visibility of past relationships, transient flings, and even casual interactions with attractive strangers online often fuels intense, damaging arguments. One partner may obsessively check who the other follows or engages with online, behavior that renders the social media platform a breeding ground for distrust, resentment, and insecurity.

“Microcheating” and perceived betrayals

Microcheating involves small online behaviors that one partner nonetheless deems to have crossed a line or interprets as emotional or sexual interest outside the relationship, such as liking an ex’s photos or secreting DMing someone. These behaviors foster feelings of betrayal, quietly eroding the relationship’s foundation of commitment and exclusivity.

‘Our LA clients are constantly exposed to curated “perfect” relationships online, which set a totally unrealistic bar. We help them untangle their perception of what love actually looks like, what healthy real-world connection really entails. It’s about shifting their focus from their feed to their feelings.’

Conflicting boundaries around online behavior

It’s actually unusual for a couple to engage in an explicit conversation about social media boundaries. What’s acceptable in terms of interacting with one’s ex (if anything)? How much about the relationship should be shared publicly? Yet these ambiguities so often produces misunderstandings, hurt, and conflict, as each partner operates from different unspoken expectations.

Experiences that foster susceptibility

Our personal histories and current environment shape our vulnerability to social media’s impact:

  • early digital immersion: Growing up with social media as an omnipresent force can normalize its more problematic aspects, making it harder to demarcate the digital and performative from the real and intimate.
  • past betrayals: Previous experiences of infidelity or other breaches of trust may amplify a partner’s guardedness, and lead to them using social media as a tool for constant surveillance whether they realize it or not.
  • LA’s image-driven culture: Angelenos’ broad emphasis on networking and “personal branding” can make individuals feel like they’re always on display—and that doesn’t always even stop at their relationships, either. Whatever’s on offer for public consumption may seem like it needs “optimizing,” but this process negates authenticity and puts pressure on the dynamic of the relationship.

Revitalize your outlook on dating: Reclaim real connection

  • Digital-detox together: Schedule regular phone-free times, especially meals, dates, and intimacy.
  • Establish clear boundaries: Have an open and honest dialogue about social media expectations, privacy, and what constitutes appropriate online behavior.
  • Prioritize presence: Consciously choose to be present and engaged in real-life interactions. Practice active listening and genuine eye contact.
  • Challenge comparison: Remind yourself that social media is essentially little more than a highlight reel. Focus instead on the internal health and authentic joys of your own relationship, rather than its optics.
  • Cultivate real-world vulnerability: Make a real effort to share your true feelings, fears, and dreams with your partner, secret to the two of you and a world away from the clamouring crowd back in the digital realm.

How your matchmaker can help

Remember, as a credentialed relationship expert, your dedicated matchmaker can guide you through romantic tribulations whether you’re single or coupled:

  • Awareness and coaching: Get to understand your social media habits through the eyes of a neutral, objective third party, and learn how these might be impacting your search for intimacy.
  • Boundary setting: See how to establish healthy digital boundaries early in a new relationship, with a view to nurturing clear, unambiguous communication.
  • Vetting for authenticity: Meet singles who, like you, are seeking to prioritize genuine real-world connection over performative digital living.
  • Post-date debriefing: Discuss red flags and anxieties pertaining to the online behavior of your match or partner, and receive discreet, objective insights into what it all means.

Rediscover your love story

Social media is invaluable for connecting in some ways, but take it from a professional matchmaker: It does a lot to undermine relationships and what’s worse, many couples don’t realize that’s what’s causing so much of the conflict in their day-to-day lives. I’d say this is especially true in LA compared to most places, because of our city’s heavily image-driven culture which can be fun and vibrant, don’t get me wrong, but simply isn’t conducive to authentic intimacy and connection, the kind that makes life worth living, the kind you are seeking if you’ve read this far.

If you’re ready to move beyond the digital noise but don’t know where to start, we can help. One of our LA experts is ready to help you cultivate a love built on real trust and presence. Get in touch today, and together let’s find you someone more compatible than you’d ever imagined. In real life, too—not just on Instagram.