What does “hope” really mean in love, anyway?

Hope is commonly conceived of as something soft or passive, as something you either have or don’t.

But according to psychologist Charles Snyder in his landmark 1994 book The Psychology of Hope: You Can Get There from Here, there’s a much more active and empowering view to take on hope. It starts with taking hope to be simply a cognitive process comprising three elements:

  • goals what you want
  • pathways how to reach those goals
  • agency the belief you can follow those pathways.

From this perspective, hope isn’t just believing that love might happen. It’s trusting in your own ability to take intentional action to create and sustain love, even when things don’t go to plan. That belief gives you staying power.

When people lose hope in love, it’s often not because they’ve given up on the idea of love itself, but because they no longer believe they have the faculties and resources to actualize it in their own life. They feel stuck, helpless, or like they’re “bad at relationships.”

Hope restores the belief that you have a role in the love you build.

‘We see it all the time among our clients: Somebody’s been burned one too many times, and their standards drop. Not because they don’t care—they just don’t believe they can do better anymore. Our job as matchmakers is to anchor that hope for them, back where it belongs.’

Self-worth: the foundation of your dating life

Your self-esteem doesn’t just affect your confidence; it shapes who you choose, how you show up, and what you tolerate in a relationship.

When dating, singles with low self-esteem may:

  • overinvest in people who give little in return
  • confuse intense with compatibility
  • avoid voicing their needs or concerns for fear of rejection
  • stay in situationships that don’t actually serve them
  • second-guess their instincts, ignoring early signs of discomfort or incompatibility.

Meanwhile, singles with healthy relational self-esteem are more likely to walk away from red flags, set boundaries, and choose partners who genuinely align with their goals and values. In fact, positive self-esteem actually contributes to more stable and satisfying relationships, because it gives you the courage to be discerning without dipping into cynicism or avoidance.

‘Dating from a place of depletion or self-doubt leads to settling. So never worry you’re being too picky—you’ll only ever be truly satisfied in a relationship if you’re clear and centered in what you need from the get-go.’

A growth mindset can transform your love life

Rejection is inherently tough, but how you frame dating setbacks makes all the difference in your resilience. This is where having a growth mindset is paramount.

According to psychologist Carol Dweck, a growth mindset is the belief that skills—including relational skills—can be developed through effort, strategy, and learning. In dating this means that failed connections aren’t evidence that you’re unlovable—they’re just feedback. Opportunities to recalibrate and keep growing.

On the flipside, people with fixed mindsets take rejection inordinately personally: ‘I’m just not attractive enough’; ‘It always end the same way’; ‘Maybe I’m not cut out for dating, period.’ In the same situation, those with a growth mindset are more likely to say, ‘What did I learn from that experience? What will I do differently next time?’

This doesn’t mean singles with a growth mindset tolerate disrespect or excuse mistreatment. Rather, they hold curiosity about their own experiences, with every match, every date, every relationship a chance to learn about themselves, their goals, their most fundamental needs and desires. This attitude is conducive to much healthier communication, greater resilience in conflict, and more emotional generosity.

‘This isn’t about having a laundry list of demands. It’s about knowing the difference between preferences and requirements. And not lessening those requirements just because you’re burned out from trying.’

Are you settling?

Let’s be clear: There is no such thing as the “perfect relationship.” But there’s a vast difference between settling and outright self-abandonment.

You may be settling if:

  • you’re dating someone who doesn’t share your values or long-term goals
  • you consistently feel anxious, unimportant, or on edge around your partner
  • you excuse their inconsistency because “at least he/she’s not as bad as my ex”
  • you do most of the emotional labor, always being the one to initiate difficult conversations or smooth things over
  • you’re staying in the relationship mainly because you’re afraid to be alone or that you won’t find anyone else.

People often settle when they’ve lost faith that a better connection could be out there, or worse, that they deserve such a connection. But in the long run, staying in a misaligned relationship doesn’t protect you from pain. It creates more of it. So your standards should always reflect your values, not your fear.

…Or self-sabotaging?

Self-sabotage doesn’t always look like pushing your partner away. Often it’s far more subtle:

  • choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable
  • testing your partner with mind games instead of expressing your needs directly
  • ignoring red flags because you’re afraid of starting over
  • shrinking yourself to be more “palatable”
  • over-romanticizing short-lived connections to avoid facing deeper loneliness.

These behaviors often stem from unresolved wounds: past heartbreak, childhood attachment issues, or internalized narratives about being either “too much” or “not enough.”

Working with a coach or therapist can illuminate these patterns. Even solo self-reflection can help you unearth powerful insights:

  • What stories am I telling myself about love?
  • When someone gets close, do I pull away—or cling on?
  • Do I feel worthy of a healthy, loving relationship?

Bringing compassion to these patterns is the first step toward change. You’re not broken—you’re just human, and healing.

7 practical ways to stay hopeful in dating (without losing yourself)

1) Define your dealbreakers and green flags

Know what you can’t live with—and what you can’t wait to build with someone. This clarity anchors your standards.

2) Be mindful of the media you look at

Social media often glamorizes toxic dynamics or fuels cynicism about love. Select content that uplifts, educates, and actually reflects the kind of relationship you’re looking for.

3) Reflect on past growth

Make a timeline of how your relationship patterns, values, and desires have evolved. Give yourself credit for how far you’ve come.

4) Create rituals that reconnect you to hope

Whether it’s therapy, journaling, or just checking in with friends, find the practices that help you process disappointment and reconnect with possibility.

5) Explore new pathways

If the apps are draining you, try going to a class, attending a community event, or working with a professional matchmaker. You’ll continue exercising those all-important social muscles, and at best could even meet someone in a far more wholesome way than online.

6) Celebrate those small moments of connection

A cheeky conversation with a barista. An exchange of memes with a friend. Be proactive in remembering, recognizing, and reinforcing the fact that love is everywhere, not just in romantic form.

7) Stay open—not desperate

Openness is you saying, ‘I believe good love is possible.’ Desperation is you saying, ‘I’ll accept anything just to have something.’ Be mindful of the difference.

‘Love is a risk, sure. But so is loneliness. As matchmakers, we help you get back up and go again—and not from a place of anguish, but from a place of grounded, empowered hope.’
[Name]—[Title]

Love is still worthy of your hope

We’ve all been ghosted, burned, or breadcrumbed at one time or another. These days you’re feeling guarded? We totally get it. But cynicism by itself doesn’t constitute wisdom—it’s just grief clad in armour.

Hope isn’t naive. It’s brave. It’s a choice—to stay emotionally vibrant in a world that all too often encourages numbing yourself to the “inevitable.” Hope is believing not just in the existence of love, but in your own capacity to nurture it out of nothing and against the odds.

When you root your dating life in clarity, self-trust, and aligned action, you don’t just attract better partners, but become one yourself, too.

Don’t settle. Don’t self-sabotage. Simply stay open and discerning. Soft, yet strong.

Maclynn’s expert team have empowered thousands of clients to find love, even when they’d previously lost hope. We can do the same for you. Get in touch today, and together let’s find you a love and connection that truly honors your worth.