Big issues are much easier to see and signpost when getting to know someone in a relationship, but it’s bickering that can be corrosive over time. They may seem and sound like little things, but triggers that challenge our core values are often what can ignite the confronting spark. Exploring values is part of the personal profiling in our professional-client relationship model. When did you last take a look at what values matter to you? If you’re not doing it with your matchmaker, you might want to try the exercise yourself.
What are those values? Some examples might be fairness, justice, kindness, understanding, tolerance, or perhaps, self-reliance, timeliness, loyalty, honesty. If you think about these values and which ones possibly resonate, can you see how bickering can occur when your core value is challenged in any way? What is incredibly important to you may not be to someone else. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter. If you’re clear with each other in your communication early in the relationship about what “triggers you” then a partner who wants to work to make a relationship succeed will tune into those moments.
Can you see how if for instance timeliness is important to someone and you continually flout that as unimportant, it can lead to bickering and possibly full-blown arguments? For a relationship to succeed and work, it requires compromise and empathy, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Creek’s study goes on to observe that not seeing eye to eye can turn minor moments into serious conflict.
How can you stop or eliminate the bickering cycle?
Here are some tips:
- Start as you mean to go on, which means robust open conversation from the start
- Don’t assume your partner knows what “triggers you”
- Share in the getting to know you period what values are important to you and ask your partner too
- Talk about your triggers when you are not in conflict and bring your sense of humor
- If you know what triggers the bickering, notice it and make a choice not to ignite it
- When you make a mistake and compromise the value, acknowledge it and apologize
- Don’t belittle what is important to your partner, lean into understanding and empathy
With clear and open conversation from the start of a relationship you too can be one of those couples who don’t deal with endless conflict. If you’ve been with someone for a while, it’s not too late to stop, listen, discuss, and recalibrate. Communicating rather than bickering can ensure your relationship is solid and not meandering down a path to ruin.
If you are ready to find an ideal match, Maclynn International is a world-renowned dating consultancy based in New York. Get in touch today, and together we’ll begin writing the next chapter of your story.