Here in New York City, the pace of life is relentless. Perfectionism is the norm yet the same drive that sees us excel in our career can sabotage our romantic prospects.

We plan our days meticulously, cautiously curate our social circles, and strategize our next professional move with clinical precision. We move in a culture of hypercompetence, and it’s tempting to transfer that mindset into our love lives. We label it as “having high standards,” “maintaining our boundaries,” “protecting our peace.”

But what if, beneath the polished exterior, this need for control is masking a deeper fear of betrayal, abandonment, or being emotionally out of control?

This fear can drive us to micromanage our connections, but in doing so, we inadvertently push away the very intimacy we crave in our soul.

‘Having high standards is not the same as being controlling. The most vital standards relate to what you value in a partner and relationship, whereas control is about managing the other person’s behavior to fit your own needs.’

Is it emotional security or emotional control?

Emotional security is a collaborative, trust-based approach to the relationship. Both partners feel comfortable enough to display vulnerability, knowing they’ll be met with empathy, not judgment. The goal isn’t to eliminate pain, but to build a shared resilience and face life’s challenges hand in hand.

Emotional control, however, is a top-down, management-based approach to the relationship. One partner (or indeed both in their own way) seeks to prevent feeling emotional discomfort by regulating the other’s behavior. The goal is to forge a predictable environment in which they can feel secure because they’re in charge.

Recognize the red flags of control

Beneath the facade often lie more profound issues. For example, a history of conditional love or an unpredictable childhood environment can produce a deep-seated belief that love must be earned and maintained through constant effort and vigilance. This can manifest as hyperindependence, a trauma response whereby we feel everything must be managed if we’re to avoid getting hurt. And in a city like New York where toughing things out solo is a badge of honor, this fierce self-reliance may prove a barrier to intimacy, making it difficult to trust someone to share the emotional load.

Another red flag worth looking out for is when “helpfulness” spirals into control. For example, one partner insists they know the best way to handle the other’s career, finances, friendships. On the surface this might look caring, but underneath it may show that the person is attempting to shape their partner’s life in ways that reduce their own anxiety. Differentiating between genuine support and covert control requires us to ask, ‘Is their input actually empowering me, or ultimately limiting me?’

How might control be manifesting in your relationship?

  • Overanalyzing tone, texts, and timelines: Did your partner take too long to reply? Was that “lol” sarcastic? All too easily we create elaborate narratives around the smallest of data points, filling in the blanks with our fears rather than trusting implicitly in our partner.
  • Withdrawing when things feel unpredictable: When a partner’s plans change or they need space, the controlling person may be prone to shutting down or giving the silent treatment. This isn’t a boundary; it’s a form of punishment designed to regain some semblance of control. 
  • Idealizing perfection and condemning flaws: Do you hold your partner to impossibly high standards? We often do this without even realizing it and when they inevitably fail to meet these ideals, you may criticize, withdraw affection, or forge distance between the two of you. 
  • Using “boundaries” to control, not communicate: A genuine boundary exists to protect your wellbeing and help you convey your needs: ‘When I get home from work, I just need an hour on my own to decompress.’ But a “boundary” that exists only to exert control is really just a rigid rule designed to manage a partner’s behavior: ‘You can’t hang out with your friends Tuesday night, that’s our night.’

‘If you find yourself quibbling over something your partner considers petty, ask yourself: ‘Does this tiny detail matter in the grand scheme of our relationship?’ When you do that, most of the time you’ll realize the answer is no.’

Then release control

Releasing control doesn’t mean become a passive participant in your own life. It means moving from a state of fear to a state of trust. It’s about self-knowledge, communication, and a willingness to sit with discomfort.

Practice self-awareness

The first step is to recognize when you’re acting from a place of fear rather than love, and this requires a certain degree of introspection. When you feel the urge to check your partner’s phone or find yourself overanalyzing a text, pause. Ask yourself: “What am I actually afraid of right now? What is the feeling I’m trying to avoid?” Mindful observation like this will see you better separate impulse from action.

Build a language of needs, not expectations

The shift from control to connection happens when we stop setting expectations and start communicating what we actually need from our partner. Rather than assuming they can mind-read, we should make honest statements about what we feel we’re lacking emotionally, what we consider the relationship to be lacking, what we think it would benefit from more of.

This is a fundamental change in dynamic, because now you empower your partner to meet your needs by making them both transparent and accessible. This is especially vital for high achievers like many of my clients, who are accustomed to setting expectations and holding people accountable. But in love, a whole other language is required. Your partner is not an employee; your relationship isn’t a project to be “managed.” The love between you needs cultivating through open and authentic dialogue. And what many high achievers I work with don’t realize is that this is a skill that can be learned. It just requires you to trust that your partner can meet your needs without you “overseeing” them. And it requires you to let them in.

Expand your capacity for emotional discomfort

At its core, control represents an attempt to avoid pain. So when we can tolerate uncertainty, vulnerability, even disappointment without reacting negatively, we free ourselves from the need to manage others. This doesn’t mean becoming a doormat, but rather fortifying your mindset and becoming genuinely resilient in the face of emotional hardship. This might look like:

  • accepting that your partner’s need for space isn’t rejection, but simply their own personal need for a little time to chill and regroup
  • trusting that they can navigate their own social life without your monitoring it
  • sitting with the anxiety that arises when plans are fluid or feel out of your hands.

I’ve found that, in NYC especially, this change in mindset doesn’t come naturally. New Yorkers prize being in control, so relinquishing that sense may feel alien. But trust me: As you practice this kind of openness more and more, you’ll find that the sense of relief that comes from truly letting go is far more satisfying than the illusion of security brought about by controlling every aspect of your life, and your partner’s life.

The foundation of real love

True love isn’t about finding someone “perfect” who fits every one of our criteria. It’s about nurturing a partnership, as a team, with someone “imperfect” who nonetheless makes you feel secure enough to just be yourself. This kind of security can only emanate from a place of deep respect and mutual trust, from a sanctuary in which both partners know they’re cherished and adored for who they are, not how well they conform to some abstract ideal.

The relentless pursuit for more. More accolades, more wealth, more nodes in one’s social and professional networks can leave us drained and disconnected from what matters most. That’s why giving ourselves permission to simply be human is such a precious gift to our relationship; to be humanly messy, especially in the order and rigidity of The City That Never Sleeps. Letting go of control is not a sign of weakness, but an act of strength, a courageous choice to trust: to trust in another, to trust in love, and to trust in ourselves to handle whatever life throws at us.

Whether you’re in a committed relationship or single and looking for love, if you’re ready to release the reins and build a partnership grounded in emotional security and self-awareness, we can help. Maclynn’s expert team of matchmakers and dating coaches is uniquely positioned to guide you, to empower you to break free from patterns of control and find a genuine, healthy connection, leading to the kind of love for which you’ve been yearning . Get in touch today.