The end of a marriage or any long-term relationship is often described as a bereavement. I don’t believe that anyone really enters into marriage thinking ‘if it doesn’t work out then oh well, never mind we will get a divorce’. For most people, marriage is a huge commitment, so when it doesn’t work out, it can feel like our lives have been torn apart. Everything you knew about yourself and the world is suddenly turned upside down. Your core beliefs are challenged, your family unit separated, and the vision you had of growing old together has been destroyed.
One major difficulty is that everything you knew about yourself and how you spent your time has changed. Who are you without your spouse? How do you like to spend your free time? What does it feel like to be alone for the first time in decades? Rather than seeing this as the beginning of loneliness and doom try thinking of it as one of the most exciting times of your life. When people get married, they inevitably lose something of themselves- understandably hobbies and certain friends take a bit of a back seat. The hours on the golf course or bike rides often get squeezed out and it’s often not possible to keep up the same number of friends you used to have when you were younger. So rather than seeing divorce as a bad thing, it’s time to think about what you do want out of life again.
First of all, stop and take stock. It’s time to reflect on what happened, what did I do to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage and ultimately divorce, what could I do differently next time and what learnings can I bring to a new relationship?
Then it’s time to reconnect, have a think about the relationships, both family and friends, that might have suffered and think about who you have missed spending time with and why. This is not about mindlessly calling up everyone from your phone book in a desperate attempt to fill your time. Instead think about who makes you feel better about yourself, happier, more supported when you get off the phone from them or when you see them. Who adds to your life, rather than drains and who would you like to spend more time with?
Reboot your life: if there were hobbies and interests you used to love then why not pick them up again? Get back on that bike, learn to cook, or play the guitar. Frankly try anything old or new that brings joy to your life and energizes you.
It’s time to find yourself again, and once you do that, you’ll have a much better idea of the type of person you would like to be in a relationship with. Talking through what happened in your last relationship to save yourself from making the same mistakes again can also be useful in the healing process. At Maclynn International, not only do we provide matchmaking, but we are here to guide you through every step with relationship coaching, dating tips, and more to help get you back on track to your best self! Speak to one of the team today.