As a professional matchmaker, I often decode the five love languages and even explore what you can do when you and your partner’s love languages do not align.
Although first proposed in 1995, the theory of love languages still has considerable cachet in modern dating and relationship culture. It’s not without its shortcomings, but it can certainly give some insight into how to keep a relationship happy and thriving. Explore the concept with us in more detail below.
What Are Love Languages?
A friend of mine once complained to me that her husband brought her a bunch of flowers:
“They are only going to die in a few days”, she said.
A few days later, he did the dishes and put away his laundry without being asked… she was over the moon!
It appeared to me that despite being married for five years, it hadn’t occurred to her husband that his wife’s love language was not receiving gifts; it was, in fact, acts of service. This story demonstrates the love languages theory at work.
Gary Chapman and The 5 Love Languages
Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, ignited a new way of thinking about love—specifically, the language of love. Although Chapman isn’t a psychologist—he’s a Baptist pastor—his research and findings rang true with couples across the globe.
And while there’s no scientific proof of his theory (save for a 2006 study which demonstrated it may have at least some psychometric validity), it’s hard to overstate the impact of his ideas.
Chapman theorised that there are distinct ways of showing and receiving love in romantic relationships, and these typically fall into five different categories. Here are the five proposed love languages, a little more about each one, and how to determine yours:
What Are the Five Types of Love Languages?
Words of Affirmation
a warm utterance, note, or text expressing love and appreciation
This type of love language involves communication. These individuals give and receive love through their words. Whether it be compliments, positive words, or words that express her/his love for one another, these individuals love to feel understood.
This might be your love language if…
- It means the world to you when your partner tells you how attractive you look or expresses how proud of you they are when you have accomplished a goal.
- You regularly tell your partner how much you care about them.
It’s important to note that being genuine and intentional with your words is essential as well.
Quality Time
setting aside a period of the day for the express reason of being actively present and at one with your partner
This love language is shown through spending meaningful one-on-one time with your partner. Whether it be going out to your favorite restaurant, trying a new place, or simply going for a nice long walk together, being present with one another is most important.
This might be your love language if…
- You enjoy present time with your partner, where you are totally focused on each other and you have their undivided attention.
- You actively listen to your partner and limit the use of technology during these times to make them feel loved and connected.
Gift Giving and Receiving
treating your partner to a present or surprise, no matter the size, to brighten their day
This love language is quite self-explanatory, but involves not only the appreciation of gifts, but the effort and the time that went into getting them.
This might be your love language if…
- You appreciate gestures, whether they be big or small, such as someone bringing you your favorite flowers or your favorite candy.
- You love treating your partner unexpectedly, in a way that shows that you know them and remember the things they like.
Acts of Service
doing those tasks that make your partner’s day that little bit better and their life that little bit easier
This love language has to do with showing and receiving love through kind and helpful actions, often without being asked to do so.
This might be your love language if…
- You appreciate your partner going out of their way to cook your favorite meal after a long day at work, organize and tidy your space, or help with the upkeep of your home.
- You actively do the tasks which make your partner’s life easier, or the tasks they don’t like doing themselves.
Physical Touch
tactile affection, ranging from sex to simply a hand on the waist, a squeeze of the hand, a kiss on the cheek when walking by
This love language has to do with the physical way that one shows and receives love. Whether this be hand holding, cuddling, or being physically close with your partner in some way. Individuals with this love language feel most appreciated by another through physical acts.
This might be your love language if…
- You feel comfortable with public displays of affection, like holding hands or kissing, even in front of a group.
You enjoy the occasional foot rub or one of the many ways to show affection through physical touch.
How Many Love Languages Do We Have?
According to Chapman, we each have one or two preferences. For example, someone may feel loved when being showered with gifts, such as flowers or chocolates. Whereas another may feel loved when their partner does ‘acts of service’ such as walking the dog or taking out the trash.
Is Humor the Sixth Love Language?
During the book’s almost 30-year tenure as a mainstay on bookshelves worldwide, there has been a notable conversation around a potential sixth love language, which Chapman missed: humor.
It seems to follow rather logically: it is simply the desire to make your partner laugh to show them love and that you truly understand who they are.
For so many people, being made to laugh until their stomach hurts is truly the gateway to their heart, and a lot of that comes down to the intensity of the emotional closeness necessary for that to happen. For someone to know you so well, to know the sweet spot to take you from giggling to outright belly-laughing, speaks volumes about the intricate understanding they have of your mind, your disposition, and your values.
This might be your love language if…
- The times when you’ve felt most loved and appreciated have laughter, humor, and lightheartedness in common.
- The times when you’ve shown your nearest and dearest you love and appreciate them have the same threads running through them.
How Can We Apply Love Languages to Dating & Relationships?
What do we do once we’re sure we’ve found our love language?
From a dating perspective, you would ideally have better synergy with someone if you speak the same love language. Otherwise, frustrations can form. Some people claim this knowledge is no less than the key to the success of their relationship, and the reason their partnership is positive, healthy, and has lasted.
If you’re feeling lost in the world of dating, taking a little time to know yourself and your love language better can be the first step on the path to meeting your life partner. The more you’re attuned to your own needs, the more precisely you can identify in a potential partner those traits that would make you happy for the long term.
And If You and Your Partner’s Love Languages Differ?
If you have a different love language from your partner, what happens? These differences can creep up over time and may become apparent when one complains about not feeling loved.
“I don’t feel like you love me”, one partner may say, “but I tell you I do all the time”, the puzzled partner may reply. Such disagreements may suggest a difference in love language rather than a lack of loving one another.
Don’t worry—if you and your partner differ in your love language, there is a solution, however, it may require a little effort.
Start by learning each other’s love language—how you express and receive love. There are various ways to figure this out, from simply identifying the behaviors or actions that make you feel special and loved to trying one of the many quizzes available online. As matchmakers, we find this sort of information helpful as we dig deeper into pinpointing what an ideal relationship looks like for the singles we work with.
You then need to discuss what you can both do to make those things happen. And finally, the hardest part is to put these into practice.
If for you, actions speak louder than words, but for your partner, their heart melts with joy when you tell them you love them, then try focusing on the effect (making your partner happy) rather than the action. By practicing this regularly, with time, initiating a love language that seemed alien to you will become more natural. It could also add another layer of love and appreciation to your partner’s wellbeing.
Reach Out for Dating and Relationship Guidance
At Maclynn, we understand the importance of communication in a successful relationship and the pain which can be caused by not feeling respected or loved. With our high-quality advice and coaching to both singles and couples, we strive to help people find success in love. We have had countless experiences in helping couples who have faced barriers such as those described in this article.
We are also world-renowned for bringing together highly compatible singles within our vast network of attractive, intelligent professionals.
We are here and available to support you no matter the service you’re seeking. For further guidance and support, please get in touch here for a complimentary consultation.
