It’s not because they’re shallow, broken, or secretly longing for even more drama. (Not all of them, anyway.)

For many, it may be simply because of the “secure ick”the nervous system reacting to the unfamiliarity of actual secure attachment, after so many years dating people who kept them in cycles of chaos and anxiety. These Angelenos need to heal before they can really desire what will actually nourish them spiritually especially in a city that so abounds in the performative.

What actually is the “secure ick”?

The secure ick is that unsettling, unshakable feeling you get when a perfectly good, healthy, and available partner triggers discomfort or disinterest, seemingly for no other reason than the very existence of those desirable traits.

It’s a paradox: You say you want healthy love, sure, but when you actually get it, it’s like your nervous system jolts at the sheer unfamiliarity of such security, signaling it as “boring,” or even just plain “wrong.”

But remember, this isn’t necessarily a moral failing. For many Angelenos, the secure ick is simply a deeply entrenched psychological pattern, from which escape can feel impossible.

The secure ick might manifest as:

  • feeling a lack of chemistry or “spark,” despite the person being objectively great
  • becoming bored or restless when a relationship is calm or consistent
  • finding a partner’s emotional availability disconcerting, or even just a downright turnoff
  • subtly sabotaging a healthy connection just to inject some drama into your life.

The familiarity trap: attachment theory in action

Our relational experiences shape our internal working models of relationships, as our brain builds schemas (templates) for what love should feel like, based on repetition. So if your childhood caregivers were inconsistent, or previous partners were emotionally distant, you may have constructed a schema according to which love equals intensity, inconsistency, an emotional rollercoaster.

In a word, your system may well have learned that love entails a certain level of anxiety. And if you’ve spent years caught in anxious–avoidant loops—one partner craving closeness while the other pulls away, finding someone with a secure attachment style can feel underwhelming at first. If you’re accustomed to chasing, guessing, earning love, guess what?—a partner who gives simple, consistent love can feel utterly alien.

The role of the nervous system

Secure, regulated connections activate your parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” system), leading to a sense of calm.

But if you’re accustomed to adrenaline-fueled “chemistry”, the fight-or-flight response triggered by pursuit, drama, uncertainty, this calm may be misinterpreted. Your brain may associate the absence of that familiar anxious arousal with disinterest, even rejection.

Imagine escaping the loud, pulsating music of a club to the quiet comfort of a nearby cafe. Perhaps you perceive it as empty and eerie, rather than justly basking in its serenity.

‘Many of our clients in LA have only ever known a dating scene that’s fast-paced and superficial. For them, an actual healthy relationship can feel surprisingly quiet at first. They’re so used to the thrill of the chase, the drama of an unpredictable partner, that when someone shows up with genuine consistency they actually interpret that calm as a lack of passion.’

Experiences that can lead to the secure ick

Growing up in chaos
If your childhood was marked by unpredictability, emotional volatility, or conditional love, your nervous system might have learned to equate love with drama.

Repeated anxious–avoidant cycles
Continually dating emotionally unavailable partners can program your brain to seek out that familiar uncertainty, even if rationally you know that allowing yourself to get into this behavioral pattern will be damaging in the long run.

Trauma bonds
Experiences like love bombing and narcissistic abuse can lead to a trauma bond, in which you mistakenly associate intense emotional swings with love. Then, when stability finally arrives at your door, it feels “wrong” without you being able to articulate why, other than for the fact that your new relationship lacks the high-stakes intensity you’ve always known in previous relationships.

Cultural reinforcement
In a city like LA, where image and networking are paramount to getting ahead, the slow and steady build of a healthy relationship can feel less glamorous or exciting than the drama portrayed at the movies, on TV, even in your own social circle. There may well be an unconscious pressure to seek out connections that are way more performative than you’d really like.

The pitfalls of resisting a love that’s secure

  • Self-sabotage: pushing away an objectively good partner who offers stability
  • Repeating cycles: continually gravitating toward chaotic or inconsistent relationships
  • Emotional exhaustion: staying stuck in cycles of anxiety and disappointment for years on end, never finding the peace of fulfillment you deeply (perhaps even secretly) desire
  • Missing out on true connection: The secure ick pushes you away from the exact places you’re most likely to find real love: quiet, consistent spaces, marked not by drama but by contentment and nurturing.

A change in outlook: Embrace the unfamiliar calm

Recognizing you’re suffering from the secure ick is the first step toward breaking old patterns.

This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be attracted to anyone in particular, especially not someone with whom you genuinely don’t click. But it does mean giving seemingly healthier connections a fair chance: leaning into the initial discomfort of the unfamiliarity, and being on the lookout for a different kind of dynamic—one characterized by trust, mutual respect—and peace. Hey—doesn’t your own little slice of peace sound pretty good right now?

So next time you meet someone who’s lovely, consistent, and emotionally available…

Observe your physical sensations
Is the “ick” signaling actual, visceral aversion, or simply a lack of the usual anxiety? Can you sit with the calm and let it wash over you?

Challenge the script of your “spark”
Is this discomfort really about your date, or about your trepidation when it comes to any semblance of stability and normality?

Give it time
True intimacy takes however long it takes to blossom. Don’t dismiss this new person after a couple of dates if their only “flaw” is being “too nice,” or “too consistent.” Focus instead on their values, how they communicate, and how they make you feel about yourself when you’re around them.

 

‘Angelenos are always chasing the next big thing. Even in relationships—believe me, I see it all the time. Especially in LA, I’m often called on to help my clients recalibrate their expectations. To show them that “boring” may not be the red flag they think it is (and may not be “boring” in the first place). To shift their perspective—to see chaos not as exciting and desirable, but as maladaptive, the opposite of what they should actually be looking for.’

 

How your matchmaker can help

Our matchmakers get the LA mindset more than any other. We’ve been there, done it and empowered literally thousands of Angelenos to find love in a city that sometimes seems absolutely determined to prevent you from finding it.

Identify your attraction patterns
Discover whether you really are drawn to unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Work through the “ick”
Navigate the discomfort of a healthy connection with someone by your side who actually understands where you’re coming from even when your own friends and family simply don’t get what the problem is.

Curate intentional matches with a trusted professional by your side
Your dedicated matchmaker is so much more than a guide, she’s a confidante, a therapist, a friend. And she’s an expert at vetting matches according to your specific criteria, ensuring you’re only introduced to singles who are truly emotionally available and looking for love.

Debrief post-date
You can call on your matchmaker anytime to discuss a date, tailor your comms with your match or even flag when you can feel the secure ick rearing its ugly head once again.

Discover the peace of a love that’s truly safe

The secure ick is a fascinating phenomenon but it’s not so fun when you find yourself firmly in its grip, unable to maintain a happy relationship even when it’s served to you on a silver platter.

But by understanding where this tendency comes from, both in theory and from the reality of your own past and upbringing, you can begin retraining your brain to recognize and embrace the profound beauty of a healthy, consistent love.

Maclynn’s expert team have helped thousands of Angelenos escape the rat race of performative romance and find genuine happiness with someone truly compatible—and we can help you, too.

Get in touch today, and discover the joy waiting to be unearthed in a relationship that’s low-drama, low-chaos—and more meaningful and profound than you’d ever thought possible.