Breakups are rarely easy and even months or years later, it’s tempting to take an online peek at your ex’s life. Whether you’re looking on Facebook, Instagram, even LinkedIn, these small digital windows feed you snippets of their life: a vacation, an update on a mutual friend from days gone by… a new relationship.

You might kid yourself otherwise, but even on first look you probably feel deep down in your bones that this isn’t healthy. Because watching your ex online, or “digital stalking” as it’s sometimes known, produces behaviors that impede your recovery from the breakup, needlessly fuel anxiety, and distort your perception of reality.

I see this so often among clients navigating dating in the wake of a breakup. Let’s look at ways to break the cycle for good, and how to reclaim your emotional wellbeing, rebuild your confidence in dating, and cultivate a sense of personal empowerment that lasts way beyond the breakup.

The illusion of connection

Even a brief scroll through your ex’s social media may trick your brain into believing the two of you are still entwined in some way. Psychologists call this parasocial interaction: feeling involved with someone who’s actually entirely unaware of your attention.

Why it’s harmful:

  • Reinforces longing for a relationship that no longer exists
  • Distorts memory by focusing exclusively on the positives
  • Keeps you “checking in,” which activates your stress response

Practical ways to reduce digital exposure to your ex

  • Remove them from your friends and followers lists, or if you can’t do that for whatever reason (although I’d question why), at least turn off notifications for their accounts
  • Replace the urge to look with something wholesome and nurturing to clear your mind and recenter yourself: a walk, a hobby, a podcast, an event, a creative workshop (and do it every time!)
  • Track your urges. Yes, even on a calendar if that’s what you need to do. Self-awareness alone is often enough to break a habit.

The LA social media trap

In my experience as a matchmaker, the pressure to “keep up” is amplified in LA. Here, social media often isn’t just a window into your ex’s life, but a portal into a curated lifestyle of friends, influencers, and the “soap opera” culture at large, driven as it is by clicks and engagement. In an area like ours, where social lives are intensively networked and events constantly overlap, you may need to face up to the fact you’ll be seeing your ex’s image across multiple platforms.

How to combat the trap:

  • Limit social media use when you’re feeling especially emotionally vulnerable, most likely evenings, and perhaps weekends
  • Manually refine your feed to focus on uplifting and inspiring content, reinforcing your personal growth and positive self-image
  • Take a hiatus from social media entirely to reset your emotional patterns and free your mind to form new mental associations

‘I’ve had quite a few clients tell me that seeing their ex’s updates makes them feel both closer and further away at the same time. They’re tangled, tethered to the past.’

Is confirmation bias at play?

Digital stalking may unconsciously reinforce your confirmation bias, that is, when your brain seeks evidence to support preexisting fears, assumptions, insecurities. This perpetuates a pattern:

anxiety → checking → distorted perception → increased anxiety → deeper emotional entrenchment

How to break the bias:

  • Remind yourself that social media isn’t “real”. It only ever shows the highlights, not the nuance, the context, the struggles reverberating in the background of that individual’s life
  • Journal your thoughts to fully explore how you’re feeling and why. You may find this “externalizes” your anxiety, getting your worries out of your head and onto paper. This empowers you to view your emotions as “objects,” not overwhelming nebulous concepts.
  • Focus on what’s actually within your control: your own growth, your own healing, your own future relationship choices

Rumination only delays healing

Every visit to your ex’s profile may trigger rumination. That is, obsessive replaying of past events, conversations, even imagined scenarios. Over time, rumination builds up neural pathways associated with distress, making it harder to move on.

Rituals to replace scrolling

At Maclynn, we recommend clients build a “digital detox routine” after a breakup. Even small but consistent actions can dramatically reduce mental preoccupation and accelerate emotional recovery.

  • Practice gratitude, even writing down just one goal or thing you’re thankful for a day cultivates resilience by transforming your mindset and perspective
  • Be proactive in staying social: Meet a friend for coffee instead of scrolling in isolation especially if you feel like scrolling in isolation
  • Get into meditation. Just 5 minutes in the morning can be enough to set the tone for a confident, positive day, and keep negative habits at bay

Identity freeze

Digital stalking can arrest the development of your identity post-relationship. You may feel like life is “on pause,” that you can’t step out of your “ex era” into the next chapter. This is especially important in LA, where social comparison is pretty much unparalleled as far as I can see and this comparison even extends to how you’re progressing after a breakup. Forging space away from that past relationship and its accompanying online material empowers you to define your identity on your own terms, and dramatically improves your ability to seek and build healthy connections moving forward.

My job is to help clients truly recognize their own digital boundaries, and to see them as nurturing, not repressive. This is especially key in LA, where social visibility can make your post-breakup healing feel far more public.’

Emotional contamination

Don’t think that seemingly “neutral” updates about your ex are fine in some way. Even apparently inconsequential news; a job update, a new pet, a single candid photo. It can drastically shift your mood. Psychologists call this emotional contamination, whereby external stimuli affect your emotional baseline. And when you think about it, it makes sense that even the small stuff can impact you, because life is nothing but “small stuff.” That’s what your relationship with this person was built on in the first place.

Cleanse your soul:

  • Give yourself a minimum window in which to digitally detox from any and all relationship triggers. Honestly, a whole month might be what’s needed for full emotional recalibration
  • Recognize when your social media use is triggering subtle anxiety or sadness, so you can intervene before it spirals
  • Mark clear boundaries and stick to them, because no one’s gonna stick to them for you: Limit time on any given platform, and remove ex-related content entirely to avoid relapse

Breaking the reward loop

Ultimately, the reason it’s so tempting to check your ex’s profile is because doing so actually produces a small spike in dopamine, which in turn creates a reward loop that reinforces the habit. Even if you’re seeing something upsetting, your brain is still perceiving this experience as novel and stimulating.

Be firm but loving with yourself:

  • Turn scrolling into unapologetically self-aware choices: Ask, “Why am I opening this app right now? It’s just so I can end up on their profile again, isn’t it?”
  • Replace social media with enjoyable real-world tasks centered around your own growth: exercise, cooking, education
  • Force accountability: Tell your loved ones you want to stop your digital stalking, and ask that they check in on your progress. Not only will you feel supported, but you’ll also be reminded you don’t have to do this alone.

Moving forward: reclaiming your emotional independence

Breaking the habit of digital stalking is about more than self-discipline; it requires that you liberate yourself from the past. Only then can you truly:

  • increase clarity and focus on your personal growth
  • reduce anxiety and obsessive thinking
  • make dating decisions from a place of genuine curiosity, not comparison
  • rediscover joy and agency in your own life.

Maclynn offers tailored post-breakup support:

  • Identifying and addressing patterns that contribute to digital stalking
  • Personalized coaching to rebuild confidence and boundaries
  • Guidance in transitioning from old relationship patterns to healthy dating
  • Tools to manage social media habits and digital triggers
  • Thoughtful introductions when you’re ready to explore new connections

Now you’re ready to feel excited for the future again, rather than pining for the past.

Reclaim your emotional space

Watching your ex online isn’t harmless, and you already knew that, if you can bring yourself to admit it.

Digital stalking keeps you stuck in the past. You can’t heal, and your confidence just won’t be what it was. But by setting boundaries, creating new routines, and prioritizing emotional independence, you reclaim your focus and begin building a life that excites and motivates you.

Maclynn’s expert team is ready to guide you toward meaningful growth, healthier dating habits, and authentic connections with highly eligible singles. Get in touch today. Together let’s free you from digital distractions, and show you the whole world of potential romances out there beyond your past…