What is your favorite thing about being a matchmaker?
Honestly, there are so many things that I love about being a matchmaker. Firstly, I truly enjoy the process of getting to know someone new and learning what makes them who they are as a person. While I believe that all of us are fundamentally the same, I’m genuinely curious about the differences that each person has and what makes them unique. By learning about someone’s idiosyncrasies, I can uncover their deeply-rooted fascinations, values, insights, and desires.
Once I’ve discovered this, I enjoy finding a potential match that aligns and watching how their interaction unfolds. I love receiving feedback from my clients and their matches about how a date went and learning their impressions of the other person. I also love seeing and hearing a spark of excitement when two people truly click and even more when I see this spark grow into a loving relationship.
Being able to introduce two people that may have never met otherwise is a beautiful thing to me. Whether these people will form a lasting romantic relationship is another thing, but I have also seen some friendships develop, and that alone is amazing.
What is your favorite match story?
This is a hard one to answer. However, I have to say that it is the match of one of my gay clients, W, who is now in a successful relationship. They recently celebrated their one year anniversary and I couldn’t be happier for them.
What I love so much about this match is that they’re such a good example of the quintessential “opposites attract” while not actually being opposite. Let me explain further. Outwardly, W and B (his partner), couldn’t be more different. W is outwardly serious, reserved, almost stoic, and intentional in his actions, while B is outwardly warm, charismatic, and talkative. While they seem very different, their values were very similar and the type of relationship they wanted to have was built on a foundation of honesty and trust.
A fellow matchmaker, Sarah Helen, had a relationship developed with B, and suggested him as match for W. B and I had been in contact previously as he had dated one of my previous clients. I introduced B and W in June of last year and they have been together ever since!
How did you get into matchmaking?
I had always been interested in matchmaking since I was child. There was something fascinating about it to me. I think this came from the fact that I was always fascinated with love and specifically “true love” and I wanted to find it for myself one day. I also wanted to deeply understand how two people love fall in.
As I grew up, I slowly forgot about matchmaking for awhile and became invested in my own search for love. Separately, I pursued an education in clinical psychology with a focus in neuropsychology. After completing my master’s in clinical psychology, I worked in a neuropsychology lab studying pediatric traumatic brain injuries and following this, I was a psychometrist in a neuropsychology private practice where I conducted neuropsychological evaluations.
Aside from a fascination with love, I’ve always been intrigued by the unique characteristics, perspectives, and behaviors of individuals. I enjoy learning and understanding the strengths and weaknesses of others and if possible, help them in discovering these traits for their own growth. Naturally, this would lead me into matchmaking where I could use this fascination and skill in identifying core traits and values to help pair individuals in romantic relationships. How I found the opportunity was by chance alone. I didn’t even realize that matchmaking could be a career path until I came across the job posting but I knew it was something that I would enjoy.
What is a common misconception about matchmaking?
A common misconception about matchmaking is that it is fool-proof. As much as we would like to perfect a system (and we do have great system at that), there is still the element of uncertainty that comes with working with human beings. While we may be able to match two people well on values, traits, lifestyle factors, and other areas of compatibility, there the component that human beings aren’t perfect and there are certain aspects that could get in the way of a great match being successful.
For example, if two people who are a great potential match are introduced but they are not emotionally available at that moment, they may not be able to overcome this obstacle. There is also the element of chemistry that we cannot predict. Two people could be a great match on paper, but when they meet in person, there is a sort of syncing of traits, behaviors, attitude, physical attraction, etc. that happens that we would not be able to know beforehand. Further, once two people do connect, their dating experiences and habits could affect how much long-term success their new relationship can have.
In summary, the common misconception is that we can guarantee a perfect match without any input from the client and their match. Finding a “perfect match” is one part matchmaking, one part the life experiences, attitudes, commitment and engagement of the client and their match, and the unexpected variables that are relevant to human life.
What is the first thing you do when working with a new client?
The first thing I do when working with a new client is learn as much as possible about them. This may start with an initial call, then some Google searching on my end looking for any information about their career, background, history, etc. and most importantly, the Compatibility Profiling Session.
In my opinion, the Compatibility Profiling Session is the most important meeting that I can have with a client. It is a chance for the client to express themselves and for me, as their matchmaker, to observe and note how they express themselves. By asking the appropriate questions and responding to the client’s answers thoughtfully, detailed information can be gathered than helps me in understanding this individual’s values, life history, interests, passions, relationship background, etc. Through behavioral observations and prompts, I’m able to get a sense of this person’s nature which also helps me in matching them.
Yes, I have. I feel lucky to have found him and it does give me insight into how I can help my clients best. My husband I have known each other for about 7 years now, were dating for 2 of those years, engaged for 1 year, and will be married for 4 years this December.
A few aspects of our relationship that help me with clients:
- How we met: Online. We met through Twitter (pre-X) engaging in a common interest. It has helped me to see the many ways in which people can connect, how they can form a relationship virtually, and how to develop that relationship.
- Our type of relationship was initially long distance. He was living in Italy while I was in the U.S. This type of relationship has given me some insight and helpful tips in long-distance relationships for my clients reflecting on how to make this type of relationship work.
- Chemistry development in a virtual relationship. We had initial chemistry in a way as we engaged in a common interest but it was the continued getting to know each other that built our chemistry. I can provide inside into the “slow burn”. There are many more points as well!
Do you think long distance relationships can work?
Yes, I do. I think a large part of the success of a long distance relationship comes from expectations of the relationship, open-communication, mutual goal-setting, and frequency of contact. There are many other factors but I think those I mentioned are key.
If a couple is honest with each other about what they expect from the relationship, clearly define their boundaries, openly share their feelings, perspectives, and thoughts, they are on the way to building trust in the relationship. One thing long distance relationships can struggle with is trust building. However, if trust can be formed through a long distance relationship, I believe the foundation of trust can be even stronger when in person.
Other important factors include being on the same page about how often you will communicate and when you will see each other next. Everyone prefers different types of communication. Some people prefer texting over phone calls, some love virtual calls and others hate them, some people prefer sporadic communication and others prefer daily communication. It’s important to be clear about preferred style so resentment doesn’t gather over time. Setting a schedule for in-person dates is also very important. As long as there is an in-person date to look forward to, regular communication outside of that is much easier. Finally, discussing relationship goals and what you both expect from the relationship is essential so that you can both actively work towards this goal.
What should be everyone’s dealbreaker?
A lack of respect. I think that everyone should be treated with respect and vice versa. I think a lack of respect can be shown in a number of ways but is most obviously seen in boundary crossing.
While not everyone has the same boundaries, we all have a basic set of boundaries that are related to our personal space in both the physical and mental sense. If someone does not respect either of those spaces and does so repeatedly, they are not a good match for you.
How can we politely decline invitations?
I would say that this question needs more context to answer most accurately because it’s contextual and situational. However, for a simple invitation such as, “would you like to go out again?” after a first date, I would say something along the lines of, “While I appreciated getting to know you and enjoyed our time together (if this is true), I don’t believe we are a match so unfortunately, no, I don’t think it would best to go out again.” Or “Thank you for asking. I appreciate the time we spent together but I don’t think we have long-term compatibility.” If they ask why, you should be honest while also being kind. You could share it was related to physical chemistry, or you don’t think you shared enough in common, or you don’t think your romantic or future goals are aligned.
It can be really challenging to decline an invitation, but I think no matter how it’s worded (within reason), it’s better to directly let someone know you aren’t interested rather than leaving them wondering and never speaking with them again. If you have any feedback (whether received well initially or not), it could help someone grow as an individual.
What’s changed the most in the dating sphere since you’ve been matchmaking?
I have noticed that people are much more reluctant to engage in confrontation in the past year and a half than they were previously. I have noticed a trend towards more passive communication and less active involvement in conflict dissolution.
Behaviors I have noticed include sharing on a date that they would like to see each other again but then choosing not to follow up with communication after the date, “ghosting” in general following a date, difficulty expressing feelings in a straightforward manner, and avoiding conversation rather than reaching a potential disagreement. I have also noticed this as a matchmaker when communicating with individuals (both clients and open members). It is difficult to maintain consistent in communication with people either in the pre-date stage, the planning stage, or post-date stage.
Maclynn is an award-wining, international matchmaking agency with offices in New York, Los Angeles, and London. If you’d like to explore the idea of working with Angela to find a meaningful relationship, contact us and we’ll put in touch with our New York team of matchmakers.
