Because the truth is, psychology tells a different story: The Spark isn’t always a signal of compatibility. Oftentimes it’s a stress response. It’s a rush of excitement to mask anxiety.

Generations of Hollywood movies have sold us the myth of love at first sight. Think of your classic romcom and its requisite meet cute. That’s the fantasy we’ve all been conditioned to believe in and yearn for in our own lives.

Now the prevailing wisdom is that, if you “know right away,” it simply must be the real deal. Yet in my time as a matchmaker, I’ve come to consider this cultural obsession with instant and overwhelming connection as so pervasive as to blind people to the genuine slow-burn connections waiting right there in front of them, which they all too often dismiss as boring. They equate mixed signals, unpredictability, and emotional highs and lows with “passion”, and they’re left chasing a thrill that can never sustain the real and meaningful relationship they crave in the deepest cavern of their souls.

The neuroscience of the stress response

The feeling of the Spark is quite a bit less poetic (and more physiological) than we’ve been led to believe.

That fluttery anxiousness in your stomach? That’s your sympathetic nervous system activating. It’s the same system that triggers your fight-or-flight response when you perceive a threat.

In the early stages of intense attraction, our bodies release a cocktail of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Your heart races. Your palms sweat. Your pupils dilate. It’s the exact same reaction you’d have if you were about to deliver a keynote to a packed house.

This explains why we describe the Spark as “intoxicating”. It’s our body being flooded with chemicals of high alert. The danger is that what feels like heightened attraction may simply be a surge of stress, which the brain misinterprets as love.

Psychologists call this phenomenon the misattribution of arousal, when people mistakenly label their physiological stress response as romantic excitement. We think, “Wow, I feel so alive!”, when in actual fact our body is saying: ‘Warning: Potential chaos ahead.’

We confuse high alertness with deep connection.

A familiar pattern of chaos

So why are so many of us drawn to this dynamic of thrill and unpredictability?

The answer often lies in our past. Having taken a deep dive into the childhoods and relationship histories of hundreds of clients over the years, I’ve come to see the Spark as an entirely subconscious echo of patterns from youth or past relationships, especially those marked by inconsistency, rejection, or emotional unavailability.

If you grew up never knowing when and where love and affection were next coming your way, or your early romantic relationships were characterized by emotional dysregulation, your nervous system may have become wired to associate chaos with desire. So when a new romantic interest bursts into your life and triggers that same rush of adrenaline, your brain says, ‘Ah yeah… I know this feeling. I know this dynamic. This is love.’

In this context, the Spark is not a sign of future alignment. The Spark is a repetition of an unhelpful past pattern.

5 signs that the Spark you feel is fueled not by love, but by anxiety:

  • You feel a sense of urgency, a need to rush the relationship.
  • You find yourself overthinking what they say, their tone of voice, the time it takes them to respond to texts.
  • The relationship is characterized by dramatic highs and lows, with periods of intense closeness followed by painful distance.
  • You feel a constant need to earn their affection and prove your worth.
  • You feel a sense of anxiety and insecurity when you’re apart, rather than comfort, ease, and trust.

 

Find calm, not chaos

What if we reframed our approach to dating and started seeking calm, rather than the Spark? What if the goal weren’t to feel a rush, but to feel secure?

This is the path to what psychologists call earned secure attachment, whereby someone with a historically insecure attachment style becomes more secure through attendance to past traumas. When it comes to choosing a partner, this means consciously seeking someone who provides stability and emotional consistency, even if they don’t immediately flicker that Spark within. This may feel “boring” to begin with, but that’s because the nervous system simply isn’t used to associating security with romantic connection. But it’s in this calm that real and lasting love is found and nurtured. In fact, many couples who report the happiest long-term partnerships describe their beginnings less as fireworks and more as a steady “unfolding”, proof that, in the end, security is far more romantic than drama.

‘A secure partner will never leave you guessing. Through their actions they show you they’re reliable and emotionally available. They communicate clearly, and they don’t play games. They’re a source of comfort, not an agent of chaos.’

‘I see it time and again with clients. They come to me after a string of intense but ultimately failed relationships, deeply frustrated and yearning for love, but not realizing they’re still subconsciously seeking out the same volatile dynamic they’re used to: the chase, the anxiety, the uncertainty. It feels like love simply because it feels like home.’

The thrill is not the goal

In a city like LA where your dating options feel essentially infinite, it’s all too easy to swipe left on someone who doesn’t immediately light that Spark from their photo and bio alone. So many Angelenos I work with have a tendency to dismiss those singles who exude calm and comfort, who are easy to be around and don’t bring drama everywhere they go. If they don’t evoke that heady jolt of excitement, lots of clients are quick to write them off as “just friends,” or even simply “not my type.”

But remember: Excitement is not actually the aim here. The goal of a relationship is for it to feel like a refuge, not a rollercoaster.

Who is the person who instills comfort and curiosity rather than a desperate need for validation? Who lets you simply be yourself, who even seems to love it when you do just that? With whom does conversation flow like wine, who makes you feel seen and heard without uttering a word?

Instead of looking for the person who makes your heart race, look for the person who makes your heart feel at home.

Redefine your search

Forget the Spark.

Instead, look out for:

  • ease: The relationship feels organic, not forced or dramatic.
  • consistency: Their words align with their actions, and their affection is steady.
  • mutual respect: You feel valued and appreciated, not like you have to prove your worth.
  • inquisitiveness: They are truly interested in who you are, and they’re refreshingly free of judgment.
  • security: You feel emotionally serene around them, fully able to be your authentic self.

Discover the joy of the slow burn

The slow burn of true connection enables you to get to know someone for who they really are: their values, their character, their kindness. This is a much more reliable foundation for a relationship than a fleeting spark fueled by nothing more than lust and adrenaline. Because ultimately, the most exciting aspect of a relationship should be the journey the two of you are taking as one, not the emotional peaks and troughs you encounter en route.

Hollywood and dating apps may emphasize the initial thrill of meeting someone new and sexy, but in the end the most fulfilling and profound love stories are never about that dramatic first meeting. They’re rooted in the calm, quiet confidence that grows over time. The feeling of coming home, day after day, to someone who makes you feel truly secure. It’s the feeling of knowing you have a partner, not a project.

Learning to embrace this quieter form of love also requires a shift in self-awareness. When you understand your own attachment pattern, triggers, and needs, you’re far less likely to confuse chaos with chemistry. You can begin to spot the difference between someone who destabilizes you and someone who genuinely supports you. This inner clarity doesn’t just make dating less confusing; it makes healthy love eminently more likely for you.

So if you are ready to let go of the Spark and find the stability, security, and deep connection you deeply desire and deserve, we can help. Maclynn’s expert team of matchmakers and dating consultants is dedicated to empowering Angelenos find their life partners, with a focus on a foundation of true compatibility, not fleeting chemistry. Get in touch today.