What is repetition compulsion?

Ideated by Freud and still resonant 130 years later, repetition compulsion is our unconscious drive to recreate familiar emotional dynamics—even when they’re painful. (Sometimes especially when they’re painful.) In relationships, this often manifests as being drawn to people who evoke in us the same wounds, patterns, or dysfunctions we experienced earlier in life.

Why do we do this? Because the psyche is often less “interested” in happiness than it is in resolution, and thereby in seeking closure.

We are drawn to what we know—even if it’s damaging or unpredictable, even if we know rationally it’s no good for us—because, on some deep level, we hope to change the outcome this time.

“The patient cannot remember the whole of what is repressed in him, and what he cannot remember may be precisely the essential part of it. He is obliged to repeat the repressed material as a contemporary experience instead of remembering it as something in the past.”

— Sigmund Freud—Beyond the Pleasure Principle (1920)

“You attract what you are”: a key misconception

One of the more popular (and most punishing) ideas circulating in modern dating is that the type of person you attract ultimately reflects the type of person you are. But this might be wildly inaccurate—rather, it’s far more precise to say: You attract what you unconsciously seek to resolve, in a quest for inner peace.

You may be a kind, secure, loving person, generous with your emotions, open to giving and receiving affection—yet still repeatedly fall for chaotic, avoidant, or controlling partners. That doesn’t mean deep down you really “are” those things. You might simply be trying to repair something fundamental about yourself through those relationships. In fact, a 2015 study found that people with insecure attachment styles were more likely to pair up with partners who replicated their childhood caregiving environments—even when those dynamics were painful or neglectful.

Real-life examples: different face, same feeling

If we haven’t fallen into repetition compulsion ourselves, most of us have a friend who keeps ending up with emotionally unavailable partners. They always get with the bad boy or the ice queen despite saying they want stability.

If you know what to listen out for in conversation, you might catch repetition compulsion in action:

  • ‘I know it doesn’t make sense—I just can’t get him/her out of my mind.’
  • ‘I get he’s/she’s not good for me, but it feels so intense.’
  • ‘He/she really reminds me of someone… but I can’t put my finger on who.’
  • ‘It’s like I already know how this ends, but I keep going anyway.’
  • ‘He/she gives me the same gut feeling as my ex: butterflies-meets-anxiety.’
  • ‘I feel like I’m chasing something that’s not really there.’
  • ‘Why do I keep getting attached to men/women who don’t choose me?’
  • ‘I can’t believe it’s happened again. I thought I’d grown out of this.’

The emotional charge is real—but it’s often tied to a deeper, unresolved emotional imprint rather than true compatibility.

‘As a matchmaker, I see repetition compulsion play out in the most surprising ways. Singles come in saying they want something completely different, but their relationship blueprint keeps pulling them back to the familiar.

It’s not about changing your type, but recognizing the unconscious forces impelling you toward unhealthy relationships. Often what we think of as “chemistry” is really just past trauma bubbling up and whispering, ‘This feels like home.’

That “instant spark” you feel? It might not be destiny—it might just be danger dressed up in dopamine.’

How do past experiences mold attraction?

The seeds of repetition compulsion are often sowed in early life.

  • If love was conditional growing up, you might chase partners who keep you guessing.
  • If a parent was volatile or distant, inconsistency might now seem thrilling.
  • If chaos equaled connection, calm could be boring.

Even past adult relationships may shape our emotional reflexes, especially if a relationship was toxic or unbalanced. Our brain starts wiring for survival rather than connection. In his compelling titled book The Body Keeps the Score, Dutch psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk expounds on this idea, explaining how we don’t just remember emotional pain, but actually relive it somatically. And without the awareness that this is happening, we continue walking the same emotional corridors, hoping one might finally lead somewhere safe.

Media and the myth of “crazy chemistry”

We’re immersed in a culture that glorifies drama in romance—think Euphoria, The Notebook, Love Island. Relationships saturated with chaos, passion, painful misunderstandings—everywhere you look, these are painted as the pinnacle of romance.

But real love? The kind that actually lasts? That takes a backseat.

In an age of TikTok therapists and viral “toxic relationship” memes, the term trauma bond has entered the pop psych mainstream, referring to how intense emotional experiences—fear, hope, relief, rejection—become entangled with romance. On a physiological level, we are confusing the effects of the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline with the rush of the “feel-good” hormone dopamine and the “love” hormone oxytocin. We are mistaking volatility for vitality.

As a result, we equate spikes of emotion with genuine connection. This “crazy chemistry” is that lightning bolt sensation of love at first sight, which a lifetime of movie meet cutes has taught us to interpret as a sign of destiny. But this instant, magnetic pull to a stranger is actually just our nervous system reacting to something familiar—and not always familiar in a good way. It may be the body’s recognition of a previous pattern: inconsistency, emotional highs and lows, even outright unavailability. That familiar sense of chaos can be enticing, even when it’s just anxiety in disguise.

Are you sabotaging your own love life?

Left unchecked, repetition compulsion can lead to you:

  • chasing people who aren’t emotionally available
  • rejecting healthy, stable partners because they’re “dull”
  • confusing anxiety with excitement
  • rushing into deep connections before trust has been built
  • getting hurt over and over again and thinking something must be wrong with you.

What’s heartbreaking is that the compulsion often plays out beneath our conscious awareness. You think you’re choosing freely, but you may actually be reacting reflexively. And every repeat of the cycle only reinforces a damaging belief: This is just how love feels.

Heal your pattern

The good news? Once you recognize repetition compulsion for what it is—a psychological pattern, not fate—you can start choosing differently.

This doesn’t mean abandoning passion or settling for less—quite the opposite. It means learning to distinguish between what’s familiar and what’s actually going to see you flourish.

In practical terms, this could mean:

  • getting clear on your emotional triggers
  • reflecting on what your “type” really represents
  • noticing what is happening with your body when a partner is intense vs. steady
  • journaling about previous relationships to pinpoint recurring emotional themes or dynamics
  • considering therapy or coaching to understand how these patterns reflect past relationships.

And most importantly, it means giving the slow burn a chance. Sometimes the “spark” you’ve been chasing is just your nervous system bracing for pain, and what you’ve actually been yearning for is a deep, fundamental sense of long-term comfort and security.

From patterns to partnership

You don’t have to completely “fix yourself” before venturing back onto the dating scene—if you had to be flawless to meet someone, none of us would ever go on a date ever again!

But it is important to grow more conscious of your emotional patterns, because doing so makes it easier to actively choose love as opposed to fall into it, beyond your own volition.

If you have a history of turbulent relationships, something healthy and stable may seem jarring at first simply because it’s unfamiliar—but unfamiliar isn’t bad. It’s just new. And if you need to talk it through with an expert, we can help.

Maclynn’s team of relationship professionals have empowered thousands of clients to work through difficult pasts and find love. We understand the power of repetition compulsion, but our matchmakers can help you see that the cycle need not be permanent. Together we can build up your awareness of your own behavioral and relationship patterns. Because you’re not broken—you’re just human. And you can heal.

Get in touch today, and open the door to a connection that’s nurturing and nourishing in ways you may never have known.