Rejection Is Data Collection: Be the Scientist of Your Own Love Life

But the truth is, and you may not want to hear this right now, if your date wasn’t feeling it, then by definition you weren’t right for each other.

…And that is a good thing. Why? Because rejection isn’t a verdict on your character. Rejection is nothing more than data collection. And trust me: Clinicalizing it in this way is seriously helpful.

It’s normal to worry there may be something fundamentally wrong with you. But you aren’t unlovable and this isn’t even about whether you were “good enough.” It’s simply that your date perceived some incompatibility. Better now than way down the line in the relationship, right? Because rejection may even spare you from a relationship that would have eroded your confidence, your happiness, your lustre. The revelation that this thing isn’t going to work out serves to protect your emotional bandwidth for someone dramatically more aligned.

Your value is not negotiable, even when your date decides the two of you should go your separate ways. It’s easy to start viewing every date as a potential threat to your self-esteem, morphing what should be an exciting journey of discovery into an audition where the stakes couldn’t be higher. And this is why it’s so important to reframe rejection as a chance to regroup, and to refine your approach to dating moving forward and to date with even more confidence and discernment than before.

Not being chosen isn’t a red flag

Let’s say you’re applying for a job. Your resume is outstanding. Your qualifications are stellar. Your interview is a hit.

…And yet a week later it’s a no.

Does that mean you’d have been a terrible employee or even that you’re actually a defective person in some way?

Of course not. The other party simply deemed that you weren’t quite the right fit for that specific role at that specific company. You shouldn’t take this as a sign that you’re unemployable, you keep your chin up and carry on applying.

Dating is no different. Rejection isn’t a red flag about you. It’s nothing more than information about the potential alignment between two people. Perhaps they were looking to settle down fast, and picked up on the fact your career is rocketing. Maybe their sense of humor didn’t jibe with yours, but you didn’t pick up on this at the time. Whatever it was, it wasn’t a character flaw on your part; you’re just different people. Think about the sheer volume of “different people” out there in the world; think about how you would consider the vast majority of them incompatible for your own dating purposes. Well, this person just turned out to be another one of those. Sure, maybe they were on the cusp of being compatible, hence the confusion and upset, but you still weren’t right for one another. Because even if only one of the two parties isn’t feeling it, it holds true for the couple as a whole: This isn’t going to work out.

When viewed this way, rejection becomes but a filtering mechanism, a crucial tool for narrowing down your search. Reframing rejection as redirection ensures you’re investing your energy only where there’s genuine potential for mutual happiness and growth.

Shift your perspective: Be the chooser, not the chosen

Let’s return to the job analogy. From the moment you enter the “interview,” you’re eagerly looking to present the best version of yourself at every moment. You are the hopeful applicant, your date the all-powerful hiring manager, knowingly surveying your credentials with an impassive expression.

This mindset is exhausting and it’s downright disempowering, in fact. You’re putting control over your future and indeed your very sense of self-worth into the hands of another. You’re laying yourself at the mercy of a stranger’s whim.

But actually, you know what? You are not the applicant. You’re not even the hiring manager. You’re the CEO. Because you have a mission, and you have the vision. You have values, goals, non-negotiables. Of course to your date you may still be the interviewee and that’s their prerogative. But what matters really is that you are just as much the interviewer.

Don’t underestimate the power of shifting your perspective like this. It changes the entire dynamic of your dating life. You’re no longer passive, awaiting the signal to become an active participant, to be chosen. No, you are the chooser. Now, rejection is not failure; it’s just an inevitable part of the sorting process. It represents a simple mismatch in entities and that’s totally fine.

No more are you chasing approval; now you’re consciously evaluating whether your date could enrich your life. You are not here to impress, to meet their standards. Your date is here to impress you: Do they meet your standards?

Lower the stakes: Dating is nothing more than data collection

Not every date need be a life-changing event. By putting pressure on yourself with every new encounter, you set up rejection to be a monumental loss, an irreparable dash to your self-esteem.

Actually, each date is nothing more than an exercise in data collection. You are a scientist, experimenting in the lab. It might sound weird if this perspective is new to you, but trust me: Having helped thousands of singles over my career, I’ve seen that setting aside ego and emotion and instead just analyzing the raw “data” of compatibility is massively helpful to navigating your dating journey, unscathed by the tribulations the universe will inevitably send your way. Each date is simply a time to share a laugh, maybe learn something new, whether about the world or yourself. It’s not a commitment; it’s not a proposal. It’s nothing more than information gathering:

• Did they make me laugh?
• Did they make me genuinely think, and pique my curiosity?
• Did the conversation flow like we’d known each other for years?
• Did I leave the date feeling good about myself and yearning to have that experience again?

In the spirit of any good scientist, every result is helpful one way or another. If the date was positive, great! And if ultimately you or they decide this isn’t going to work, that’s okay too. You’ve simply gathered more data to refine your “hypothesis,” to refine your next “experiment.”

Rejection is not a personal attack, it’s a signpost

You may be a scientist but yes, you’re still a human being, too. I get it. Sometimes, even in your shiniest lab coat, you really thought you were on the verge of your very own eureka moment. The disappointment still hurts, even though you know that having this knowledge is for the best.

It’s okay to be sad, disappointed, angry. But it’s paramount you don’t let those entirely valid emotions take root and grow into something more pernicious.

• Acknowledge and validate your feelings: You don’t need to tough it out or pretend rejection doesn’t sting. Say, ‘This hurts and that’s okay.’ Give yourself permission to feel without judgment.
• Focus on self-care: Replaying events over and over in your head is a waste of your time and energy. Once you’ve accepted your feelings, try to distract yourself with something you enjoy. Go for a run, listen to your favorite podcast, cook a delicious meal. Rejection can make even the most stoic and grounded person feel bad about themselves, so it’s important to do things that remind you you’re worthy of love and care.
• Talk to someone: By speaking to friends and family, you garner different perspectives while they iterate your amazing qualities and help you see that this person wasn’t right for you.
• Put it in perspective: This is one person, one interaction, in a sea of billions of potential connections just waiting out there in the universe. The fact that this particular individual wasn’t a match is no verdict on your love life, your future. It’s nothing but a single lone data point.

And if you need a little extra help reconceptualizing dating like this, Maclynn’s expert team is here for you. We’ve helped thousands of singles reframe rejection as redirection, empowering them to see their own inherent worth through fresh eyes. Get in touch today, and let’s remove the guesswork from your dating life and conduct some experiments together!