Picture the scene: You and your best friend decide to marry.
You’re entirely platonic and there’s never been a moment’s romance; neither of you could even imagine such a thing but they’ve always been there for you through the years, the decades even: They know your coffee order, remember your birthday and they support you unconditionally.
One day, for whatever reason, financial stress, perhaps, or societal expectation, or the seemingly insurmountable pressure of modern dating, the pair of you decide to “take the plunge.” Not for romance, but for stability, companionship, and mutual fulfillment.
You’d be joining countless couples who throughout history have entered into what were once called “lavender marriages,” whose central motivator isn’t love, but partnership, reliability, or emotional security.
We’re definitely seeing an uptick in lavender marriages and other alternative partnership models so let’s look at why they’re reemerging, and what this means for the future of partnerships.
What is a lavender marriage?
Historically, lavender marriages were secretive unions of gay individuals using marriage to avoid discrimination or public scrutiny. This was especially the case in the Golden Age of Hollywood: Celebrities in the 1920s through 1950s would enter into such arrangements to maintain their curated image while privately pursuing homosexual relationships.
“Lavender marriage” has taken on a new meaning in recent years. Now it centers less on secrecy and is more about shared responsibilities and emotional partnership. Unions built around friendship, mutual respect, common goals, and practical considerations rather than romance.
The 4 key features of the modern lavender marriage:
- Legal and social recognition of the partnership
- Emotional companionship without expectation of romantic intensity
- Shared responsibilities, such as finances, childcare, elder care
- Emphasis on trust, reliability, and long-term planning
A lavender history and symbol
The colour lavender was historically tied to homosexuality, for which it became a coded reference in the early 20th century. The Lavender Scare of the 1940s through 1960s saw the Government target and dismiss thousands of homosexual federal employees on the basis that they represented a risk to national security. Lavender marriages arose as a strategy for gay government officials to keep their jobs, during a time when being outed would lead to social ostracization, career destruction, even imprisonment.
Hollywood’s Golden Age
Rock Hudson, one of the Golden Age’s most iconic actors, married Phyllis Gates in a 1955 ceremony much rumored to be lavender, supposedly orchestrated by his studio to preserve his image. Despite this, Gates insisted until the end of her life that the marriage had been nothing but legitimate. Silent movie stars Ramon Novarro and Barbara Stanwyck were swamped with speculation regarding their heterosexual relationships, purportedly curated to protect their careers. Agents and publicists would craft narratives of wholesome domesticity for fan magazines to maintain the illusion of straightness, considered essential for marketability.
Mitigating high-stakes machinations
Across the Anglosphere, lavender marriages facilitated politicians and aristocrats to live with some degree of safety. Several D.C. diplomats in the 1950s and ’60s were said to have entered into strategic unions at a time when suspicion of homosexuality could snuff out a career overnight. Similar dynamics played out in Britain among Members of Parliament, especially prior to the decriminalization of homosexuality in 1967.
‘We’ve seen clients choose stability over romance, and it works surprisingly well for their lifestyle goals. It’s about trust, mutual respect, and emotional alignment. Many tell us they’ve finally found peace in partnership.’
Why are lavender marriages trending again?
Endless dating cycles, ghosting heartbreak, and unrealistic expectations have pushed many younger adults to pursue dependable relationships without the drama. We’re seeing this trend particularly in urban areas and college towns, where social visibility is especially high.
1) Economic pressures
Healthcare, childcare, rising house prices, and skyrocketing living expenses are pushing Millennials and Gen Zs toward partnerships that offer financial and emotional stability. For many, marrying a trusted friend is a practical solution to modern economic challenges.
2) Dating fatigue
The emotional toll of dating apps, ghosting, and transient connections is drastic. More and more younger adults are prioritizing reliability and emotional security over romantic idealism.
3) New priorities
Many Millennials and Gen Zs prize communication, relational intelligence, and shared goals over chemistry alone. Lots of younger adults I speak to are just absolutely done with the drama-filled dating cycle. Now they yearn for a partnership grounded in dependability over excitement. Choosing their best friend as their life partner is the end manifestation of this mindset.
4) Social media and social comparison
Platforms like Instagram have amplified the pressure to appear successful in love, perhaps even more so than their primary predecessor Facebook. So many younger adults feel greatly stressed by the curated images of romance they see daily online, which can make traditional dating seem simultaneously exhausting and inadequate. But others suggest that opting for a friendship-based marriage removes that constant comparison.
There are numerous benefits:
- Emotional companionship without the anxiety or unpredictability of modern dating
- Financial stability and shared responsibilities
- Legal protections and recognition
- Flexibility arrangements to recognize career goals, personal growth, and alternative lifestyles
- A partnership rooted in mutual respect and support
‘From a psychological standpoint, these unions reduce the stress of dating while still providing companionship and emotional intimacy.’
The psychology behind choosing stability over romance
Emotional security
The lavender marriage provides a structured container for emotional connection without the anxiety or unpredictability often tied to romantic relationships.
Attachment needs
These partnerships fulfill core human needs for trust, belonging, and security, sometimes missing in the chaos of traditional dating.
Identity integration
Marrying one’s best friend enables individuals to maintain authenticity while navigating societal pressures. It encourages personal growth, and empowers people to avoid patterns of dependence or repeated romantic trauma.
Better decision making
Many individuals in lavender marriages experience less of the impulsivity associated with a relationship driven by passion, as well as more thoughtful goal setting now their life plans are shared with the person they trust most in the world.
Sociological and generational shifts
For so many Millennials and Gen Zs, marriage is changed from a romantic ideal to a model of partnership based on trust, shared goals, and emotional support.
This transformation stems from four key shifts over the past few decades:
- romantic milestones delayed in favor of career and personal growth
- more acceptance of unconventional family structures and home setups
- greater emphasis on mental health, emotional stability, and relational intelligence
- prioritization of quality of life over societal expectations.
Traditional marriage goals |
Lavender marriage goals |
| Romantic passion first | Trust and stability first |
| Marriage by 30 | Marriage when mutually beneficial |
| Love as central motivator | Partnership and companionship central |
| Shared life based on romance | Shared life based on mutual support |
| Emotional highs prioritized | Emotional security prioritized |
Reframing “success” in a relationship
Lavender marriages challenge the idea that love must be the only (or at least the primary) motivator for a successful partnership.
By prioritizing friendship, reliability, and mutual support, these arrangements are increasingly redefining what a healthy and fulfilling relationship can look like.
‘We encourage clients to think critically about what they want from a lifelong partnership. Romance isn’t always the answer: trust, compatibility, and shared values may matter more. Some of our happiest clients are in these friendship-based unions.’
How Maclynn supports clients exploring nontraditional partnerships
For those intrigued by the concept of the lavender marriage (or any other alternative relationship model), Maclynn offers:
- personalized coaching to identify values and relationship priorities
- focus on self-awareness before commitment
- practical, actionable strategies for working around unconventional arrangements
- guidance on structuring partnerships with emotional and practical balance
- identification of compatibility based on shared goals and values
- tools for navigating dating fatigue, anxiety, and societal pressures
- support in building long-term companionship that aligns with individual aspirations
- insights into both platonic and romantic partnership models.
‘No matter the client or what they’re looking for, our goal is simple: Help them discover what a fulfilling life partnership looks like for them, be it romantic or platonic.’
Rethinking marriage in the 21st century
Lavender marriages are more than a trend; they represent a generational shift in how Millennials and Gen Zs’ approach to commitment. Whether motivated by economic hardship, dating fatigue, or a desire for emotional security, these partnerships prioritize trust, stability, and companionship over conventional romantic ideals.
At Maclynn, our expert team is highly experienced in helping clients explore these alternative paths, providing guidance, coaching, and support in creating meaningful, authentic, long-lasting connections. If you’ve been thinking about embracing a lavender marriage yourself, get in touch today, and explore your options with clarity, confidence, and an open heart.
