Over my years of matchmaking, I’ve deduced that the dating checklist is a subtle form of self-protection especially among high achievers, whom many of my clients are.
Most checklists I encounter are filled with only surface-level traits, which seem to be an attempt to gain some sense of control in the chaos of dating. My clients believe they’re being efficient, but often, as I come to show them, they’re only building walls around their heart. These walls aren’t just psychological, either. They manifest in subtle body language, in the ways we disengage during dates, in our unconscious dismissal of someone who might otherwise be an eminently compatible partner.
The paradox of preference
Having a dating checklist is totally understandable. In a dating landscape of seemingly endless choices, elucidating clear criteria can feel like the only way to navigate such nebulous terrain. We seek more options to find a better partner, yet having too many options makes us lean on overly rigid filters. These prevent us from seeing the whole person—and, more importantly, from embracing a relationship that could well have evolved beyond our initial expectations.
What is their height? Their income? Their travel history? By filtering out potential partners who don’t fit a predetermined mold, we can’t experience the spontaneous, messy, and deeply fulfilling love that cannot be neatly itemized. This is the paradox of preference as it relates to dating: The very tools we use to find romance often make it less available to us. Because love cannot be quantified on a spreadsheet—and if you try to make it so, you risk missing out on the depth and values that truly matter. Love thrives in unpredictability—in the quirks, imperfections, and unexpected compatibilities that no checklist can ever foresee.
The illusion of certainty
At the core of most dating checklists I’ve seen lies a fundamental emotion: fear.
Many singles uses their list to forge some semblance of control, in a realm that’s inherently unpredictable. We fear being hurt, rejected, or making the wrong decision. We look to the checklist as a shield against these pains.
But this fear-based approach produces a self-fulfilling prophecy: By holding fast to a monolithic checklist, we project our fears onto every interaction. We’re constantly on the lookout for a reason to say no, rather than a reason to say yes. This prevents us from truly engaging with and embracing the journey of genuine connection, and drives us toward self-protective behaviors which limit our emotional availability. Over time this pattern produces chronic loneliness not because the world is lacking in suitable partners for us, but because our criteria filter out the very people who could nurture us in unexpected ways.
The 3 fears underpinning every dating checklist
- Fear of abandonment: The list would seem to serve as a safeguard against our partner leaving in the future because we’ve ensured they meet all the right criteria.
- Fear of betrayal: We feel like our checklist will mitigate hurt because we’ve screened out potential partners who exhibit red flags, and would therefore be more likely to play with our emotions or just outright betray us.
- Fear of the unknown: The list seems to offer certainty in a process that by its nature is uncertain every step of the way. It feels safer, and therefore more rational, to simply stick to clearcut, black-and-white criteria.
Vulnerability avoidance
True intimacy demands vulnerability: the act of being seen and known authentically.
A checklist can be a surefire way to diminish vulnerability. When we’re busy evaluating a partner against our set of predetermined criteria, we are not fully present. Our focus is on assessment, not connection. We are detached, which enables us to create a comforting emotional distance and avoid hurt—but really we’re just preventing ourselves from reaping the profound rewards that can come from taking emotional risks.
The checklist is like an escape hatch. Any time a conversation gets too deep, or a feeling too intense, we simply retreat to our trusty list, scouring it for any reason to deem this person a poor fit for us after all.
But all this intellectualizing stymies the growth of any potential romance. Leaving your checklist to the side may seem scary—but it may be the first step you need to nurturing a connection that’s true, and unfiltered.
Static lists—dynamic compatibility
The greatest flaw of the dating checklist is its unchanging nature. This doesn’t reflect the dynamism of compatibility, whereby two people may very well not apparently “meet” one another’s initial requirements, and yet find themselves growing together, supporting one another, and acting and adapting as a team.
A dating checklist generally prioritizes finding someone of a similar background, with similar interests. In other words, it’s designed to foster sameness, not growth. Yet compatibility cannot be quantified in this way. It’s that precious feeling of knowing you can be completely and unapologetically yourself without fear of judgment, even if on paper you’d never have thought you’d feel this way with this person. Rather than necessarily having found your mirror image, someone compatible complements your weaknesses with their strengths, and challenges you to be a better person because they truly want the best for you.
Forget the checklist—create a values-based love blueprint
So many clients frustrated with their singledom grow convinced that the criteria of their dating checklists are simply not strict enough. So they double down, adding new and ever more specific requirements—the assumption being that, if they can just refine their list smartly enough, they will eventually find the right person. But this approach is flawed. The problem is not the list’s length or specificity—the problem is the list itself.
‘We often find our clients searching for a partner who sounds great on paper, rather than realizing that a fulfilling relationship is about so much more than a list of traits or achievements. Genuine romantic bliss comes from finding someone whose values align with yours—that is the blueprint for love.’
If you rely on a dating checklist—if you can’t look up from your criteria and take in the real world and the real people in front of you, you’re likely to just keep attracting the same kind of person, and repeating the same old relational patterns.
Breaking this cycle demands that you first let go of the list—and focus instead on what you’ve learned from past experiences, replacing the checklist with a values-based love blueprint. This is a far more flexible and effective tool for finding love, designed to help you home in on the core principles that matter most to you, rather than on superficial traits. With your blueprint in hand, you shift your focus from rigidity to insight, from fear to curiosity—from isolation to connection.
3 steps to creating your blueprint
- Identify your most fundamental values: Instead of listing surface-level characteristics, lay out the values that are non-negotiable for you—honesty, integrity, accountability, drive, emotional presence.
- Focus on feelings over facts: Rather than asking whether they have a certain kind of job or sit in a particular income bracket, ask, “How do they make me feel?’ Do you feel secure, respected, seen and listened to?
- Embrace complementary growth: Look for a partner who not only shares your principles, but also whose unique perspective and experiences will challenge and inspire you. Seek out someone you can grow with, not just stay the same with as the world rotates and changes around you.
A better way to find lasting love
The modern dating landscape has made it easier than ever to fall into the trap of the dating checklist. We believe that laying out the perfect criteria will help us find the perfect partner but often the exact opposite is true.
As a matchmaker, I know firsthand that the most fulfilling relationships are found when singles let go of rigid lists and open their hearts to the unexpected. The most profound romance is to be found when we prioritize a person’s character over their characteristics, and trust in our feelings and instincts over a set of predetermined facts. Many of the most enduring partnerships I’ve witnessed began with surprising “off-list” connections, which totally upended both partners’ expectations of love.
At Maclynn, our expert team of matchmakers and dating consultants empower our clients to move beyond the dating checklists holding them back from finding true love, guiding them into a dating life of intention, self-awareness, and a deep understanding of their core values. Get in touch today, and together let’s curate handpicked introductions aligned with your most fundamental needs, not just your surface-level desires. Let’s save you countless hours of swiping and disappointing dates, helping you meet carefully vetted singles who, just like you, are ready for a meaningful, values-based connection.
