Now if you are consistently texting someone with no response, I suggest pulling in the reigns. It is normal to feel excited when you first meet someone who shows a great deal of potential. We can begin to fantasize about what that person might be like. As someone who has worried about this before, I would like to share some tips with you to ease your thoughts during the early dating stages and remind yourself that you are never too much..for the right person.
Do you ever feel like you’re too much?
Maybe you have been told you are “too much” in the past by a parent, a spouse, or a peer. At the core of these messages, we hear that we are too much, and to stop. I want you to embrace your “muchness”. The most important question you can take away and ask yourself is “Too much for Who?” There are many people who you would likely not be “too much” for. The idea or feeling that we are “too much” in itself creates feelings of anxiousness in the early stages of dating.
When it comes to the early phase of dating, do not put too much pressure on the relationship or expect too much too soon. The beginning stages can feel exciting, and confusing at the same time. Really take your time to get to know this person. This stage is a time of excitement, exploration, and uncertainties. It is important to recognize what it is about this stage that causes you to feel that you are “too much” when you begin to like someone.
Are you feeling this way because of a past insecurity? Maybe you feel this way because you are excited, anxious, and uncertain if they feel the same. Unraveling our thoughts during this stage and understanding ourselves is crucial so that we can determine how our thoughts, emotions, and reactions can shape our dating experience.
Understand your Dating Style
Understanding your dating attachment style will help give you insight on how you interact and react with a potential partner or spouse. Suppose the idea of feeling that you are “too much” stems from the type of attachment style in which you relate.
Attachment style is something that is shaped and developed in early childhood in response to our earliest caregivers, and our adult attachment style essentially mirrors the dynamics we had as children with those caregivers. Attachment theory was initially developed by Psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1950’s. Attachment style includes the way we tend to interact with our partners, and how we behave in relationships.
The four attachment styles include: secure attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and fearful-avoidant attachment. There are many quizzes online that can help you determine which attachment style you relate with. Let’s take a look at what each of these attachment styles mean:
Avoidant: an avoidant attachment style is a type of insecure attachment that involves the fear of intimacy. Individuals with avoidant attachment style will often have trouble forming intimate bonds and trusting in their partner. In relationships people with this attachment style will often feel unemotionally available, maintain some distance, and possibly feel that they wish to avoid relationships preferring to remain independent.
Secure: a secure attachment style involves the ability to form loving and secure relationship with a partner. It feels easy to accept the love of another, and to give love. Individuals with secure attachment are able to trust others, and do not have a fear of intimacy. They allow themselves to depend on others without becoming completely dependent on their partner.
Anxious: an anxious attachment style involves a fear of abandonment. Individuals with this attachment style often feel insecure in their relationships and worry that their partner will leave them. This in turn creates a want and need for validation.
Fearful avoidant: This attachment style is a combination of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. Individuals with this attachment style want affection, however, also want to avoid it. While having feelings of both wanting to be loved by others, they are also reluctant to develop a romantic relationship.
Understanding your attachment style in the early stage of dating will help you to make sense of your own behaviors, feelings, and reactions.
Are you “Pedestalling”?
The unconscious, or conscious process of viewing a potential partner in overly favorable light or somehow more than we are, can lead us to feel as though we are being too much. This can lead us to ignore someone else’s human like qualities, almost as if they have no negative traits or “flaws”. With this in mind, we then tend to over-inflate our own self judgements negatively which creates an unhealthy pull that makes us feel insecure with the need or want to “win their love”.
If you are unsure whether you are putting a potential partner on a pedestal, ask yourself what you’re getting and what you are giving.
How does this person make you feel? Are they creating feelings of anxiousness inside of you based upon their own behaviors? Is this a feeling that you have often struggled with internally, or is it a reaction.
Ease Your Thoughts
Recognize what is causing you to ask yourself “am I too much”. Is this a question that stems from your inner thoughts about yourself, or a reaction to how this potential partner makes you feel. Take a step back and examine your thoughts and feelings. If everything is going great, and there is an equal balance of what you are giving and getting in the early stage of dating and this thought has stemmed from your past experience, we can learn to let this feeling go. Communicating your feelings openly with a trusted friend, or counselor, can help you to identify the source or trigger of this feeling. Practice mindfulness to help ease your worry. Think about your dating values, goals, and needs to determine what you want from your dating experience. Identify what makes you feel most at ease. Learning how to practice mindfulness can help you to regulate emotions and observe your thoughts while minimizing the attachment to them. Practicing self-love and accepting yourself is key.
“You are always enough, and you are never too much”
All the best on your dating journey xx
Maclynn is a boutique, multi-award-winning introductions agency with offices in California, New York, New Jersey, and London. We’re world-renowned for bringing together highly compatible singles within our vast network of attractive, intelligent professionals, and our matchmakers are relationship experts in their own right. Get in touch today, and prepare for genuinely meaningful dating—just like you deserve.
