On today’s hectic dating scene, many couples find themselves in relationships that appear rock-solid, but lack the deep emotional connection needed to truly thrive.

This is what Robert Firestone has called the fantasy bond. It’s the illusion of intimacy, the sense of closeness in a relationship that often masks underlying issues. The result? Staying together out of habit or convenience or, even to save face rather because of a genuine connection.

In cities like New York, where ambition and independence are at the forefront of many singles’ lives, the fantasy bond can be especially pervasive. Lifestyle and societal pressures push many couples to fall into a pattern of surface-level interactions, mistaken for true love not only by those around them but sometimes even by the partners themselves.

But what makes the fantasy bond so common, and would you recognize it in your own relationship?

In my experience as a matchmaker, New Yorkers are especially prone to getting caught up in the illusion of love. In the bustle of fast-paced city living, it’s easy to lose touch with the fact that true intimacy requires effort and emotional vulnerability.

What is a fantasy bond?

A fantasy bond is when one or both partners misconstrue routine for true emotional intimacy. Rather than feeling truly connected, they end up enmeshed in a relationship solely to fulfill their need for security, as opposed actually nurture one another’s growth and wellbeing.

The inimitable psychologist Robert Firestone lays out the 3 primary mechanisms by which couples find themselves trapped in this situation:

  • lack of emotional depth: Conversations are superficial, focused on daily logistics rather than emotions and aspirations
  • routine over spontaneity: The relationship is governed more by a sense of duty or expectation than by joy or passion
  • defensiveness or disengagement: Rather than addressing conflict or unmet needs, partners shut down or avoid vulnerability.

This pattern is often set in motion because partners believe that longevity or familiarity alone constitutes love. But without real connection and transparency, the bond remains a “fantasy,” and cannot amount to a legitimate and fulfilling relationship.

To be clear, breaking free from a fantasy bond doesn’t necessarily mean ending the relationship. But it does mean sitting down for a frank and honest conversation with your partner, then deciding whether to continue with the relationship based on the facts at hand rather than the fantasy you’ve built up together.

Why do fantasy bonds happen?

Let’s take New York as an example. A city defined by the hustle. Millions of ambitious, career-driven folks focused on personal growth and maintaining a vibrant social life. It’s easy for emotional intimacy to take a backseat in such an environment. Many coupled-up New Yorkers find themselves so fixated on curating an image of the perfect couple they forget to nurture the emotional foundations of the relationship.

Dr. Firestone explains this in terms of the substitution of routine for intimacy. When individuals face personal insecurities or emotional wounds, they sometimes retreat into the comforting illusion of a stable relationship rather than working through their issues. The relationship itself then becomes the crutch for emotional wellbeing, rather than constituting the nexus of two individuals’ mutually dependent needs.

Since the publishing of Dr. Firestone’s seminal book on the subject four decades ago, social media has amplified the fantasy bond by facilitating unending comparison to others’ lives. Social media presents an unrealistic view of relationships—perfect meals, perfect vacations, perfect moments—carefully selected to project a love that’s effortless and serene. This puts pressure on couples to maintain a similar facade, irrespective of the reality of their actual relationship.

“Because of the anxiety inherent in being vulnerable and undefended in a new love relationship, an individual unconsciously attempts to merge and form a unit with a loved one. In forming a bond, the lover is able to alleviate anxiety and attain a false sense of security and safety by sustaining the illusion of being fused. The fantasy of being connected functions as a defense, for whenever this bond is broken, the underlying pain and fear of separation invariably surface.”

— Robert Firestone—The Fantasy Bond: Effects of Psychological Defenses on Interpersonal Relations (1985)

5 signs you might be in a fantasy bond

1. Emotional distance

You spend a lot of time together, but the actual closeness is severely lacking—or nonexistent. Conversations revolve around practicalities—who’s taking out the trash, what’s for dinner, who’s picking up the dry cleaning—rather than serving to explore one another’s thoughts, feelings, dreams. The absence of this connection is the hallmark of the fantasy bond.

2. Unspoken resentments

Your relationship is marred by unaddressed grievances, swept under the carpet and ignored. Rather than communicating openly about their needs, partners in a fantasy bond eschew conflict altogether, but in so doing erode the emotional intimacy essential to maintaining a healthy relationship.

3. Fear of vulnerability

When was the last time you shared something viscerally personal with your partner? In many fantasy bonds, emotional vulnerability is avoided at all costs because it risks exposing the emotional chasms silently tearing the relationship asunder. Instead of confronting and addressing this pernicious issue, you may find yourself defaulting to safer topics, or outright dismissing your emotional needs or those of your partner.

4. Shared identity over individuality

Take a step back and consider: Over the course of your relationship, has your identity merged inextricably with your partner’s, such that you’re now like a single unit as opposed to distinct individuals with unique needs? This may manifest as a lack of personal space or not acknowledging one another’s individuality.

Rather than celebrating your differences and growing together, your relationship may be defined by the fact it’s only “complete” when the two of you are physically together. But this lack of individual identity can stifle the personal growth and expression of the respective partners. This leads to them feeling two-dimensional—and then they take this feeling back into the relationship, begetting a cycle of codependence difficult to get out of.

5. Routine over connection

Your relationship is highly predictable. Always the same restaurant. Always the same route with the dog on Saturday mornings. Routines are comforting and indeed essential in moderation, but a dearth of spontaneity may indicate that your relationship is stagnating. Real connection thrives in moments of unexpected joy, no matter how small.

How does a fantasy bond impact your relationship?

The effects of a fantasy bond might not be initially obvious but nevertheless they can be far-reaching and irreparably damaging.

While at first such a relationship may be perfectly fine—secure, stable, even passionate—eventually it may start feeling hollow.

  • Disconnection from true needs: Partners may feel emotionally unfulfilled, but fail to identify the root cause of this dissatisfaction. Over time they drift, despite living under the same roof.
  • Increased conflict: Since their emotional needs aren’t being met, frustration and resentment build. Small annoyances morph into major disputes, as both partners feel unappreciated or perhaps even fundamentally unseen.
  • Loss of passion: As the relationship becomes more routine and less oriented toward connection, intimacy and excitement fade. This leads to a sense that the partners are “living separate lives” even though physically they’re right there beside each other.
  • Perpetuating the cycle: Instead of breaking free of the fantasy bond, the couple ignores the distance growing between them, convinced everything’s still “fine.” This may go on for years and the longer it does, the harder and scarier it is to address.
  • Emotional numbing: To maintain the illusion of closeness, both partners may unconsciously suppress uncomfortable feelings,; loneliness, disappointment, even loathing until one day the very idea of genuine emotional expression feels alien and dangerous.

Moving beyond the fantasy

Escaping the confines of a fantasy bond isn’t easy, but it’s essential for a healthy, thriving relationship.

If you’re struggling with a fantasy bond in your own relationship, there are so many paths you can take as a couple to begin cultivating a deeper emotional connection:

  • Practice vulnerability: Start sharing your emotions more. Talk about your fears, goals, obstacles. Being transparent like this encourages your partner to be the same, and this fosters closeness.
  • Prioritize quality time: Set aside at least an hour a day for activities promoting connection. It needn’t be anything grand—simply sitting together for a meal, a coffee, or a catchup about your day is enough to feel you’re genuinely being present with one another.
  • Communicate actively: Openly address any underlying issues or frustrations in the relationship; don’t let them go unspoken and ignored. Transparent communication is the key to avoiding resentment and nurturing emotional intimacy.
  • Rediscover passion: Reignite the spark by stepping out of your routine. Surprise your partner with something unexpected: a cute date night, a heartfelt gift, even just a cup of herbal tea when they’re in back-to-back meetings.
  • Seek professional help: Sometimes it’s useful to get the perspective of a neutral third party. A couples therapist or relationship coach can offer the two of you the tools and guidance for improving communication, deepening intimacy, and unchaining yourselves from maladaptive behaviors. We can help you with this.

Maclynn’s expert team of relationship consultants have empowered hundreds of clients to work through relationships stuck in cycles of negative patterns. Whether ultimately you feel you should break things off or continue working on your relationship, our coaches can give you the insights you need to make an informed and rational decision that’s best for you and your partner.

Get in touch today, and together let’s take the first step to helping you break from free the fantasy.